1.Intro

Every few seconds in every room of ever establishment someone would call out “HEY JESUS”. It was Halloween night and my wingman went with his natural hairy talents and dress up like Jesus carrying around the biggest Bible I’ve ever seen. I on the other hand… after a long previous night of blowing a back out…. decided not to dress up. At first it was cool, people shouting Jesus and pointing and whispering.

2.

Then it started getting weird and out of control. Random girls were coming up to take pictures with him, guys were giving him high fives, then finally a cute chick came up and asked to buy him a drink. During all of these many encounters, once people figured out I wasn’t dressed as anything, I was immediately ignored and treated as if I didn’t exist. At one point a girl came up, didn’t say hi to me or anything and just handed me her camera to take a picture with Jesus.

3.

As the night went on and everyone got more and more intoxicated the crowds grew. The shouting for Jesus got louder. I was more ignored. People just looked at me as a follower of Jesus, when I was really the brains behind the duo. I started muttering to myself, “fucking Jesus, stealing my thunder”. I mean he’s not THAT cool. What with that hairy chest, and the fact he’d be nothing without his father.

4.

If they’d actually just talk to me, look beyond my non costumed clothes, they’d see how awesome, funny and cool I was on the inside. My jealousy got the best of me and I started plotting to betray my friend Jesus. Before the cock crowed I would deny him vagina thrice, sell him out for silver or enough cash to buy a Jack and coke. That’s right I started cock blocking girls that came up to talk to him. These little harlots coming up touch him and use him for his hair.

5

Girls would come up and I’d ask them if they’ve ever invited Jesus Christ inside of them. Or I’d tell them that Jesus will sleep with them only if they’ll let him hit them on the head with his Bible. It’s like donkey punching but using scripture. I’d stop taking pictures for them. When I saw him deep in conversation I’d interrupt and tell her we got to go. Buy the end of the night the weight of being Jesus the hot chick was getting to my friend. People calling out for you, wanting you to save them and shit. At one point someone called for him on the street, Jesus was drunk, and replied with “yeah, yeah, It’s me Jesus….. whatever”. He was in no mood to save anyone right now. I would eventually stumble into a bathroom and look at myself in the mirror. Is that a double chin on my face, Why does it seem like my chest is wresting on my stomach. Why are my fingers so fat. Why do I have the need to eat a jumbo slice then go home and masturbate using the grease as lube? My nipples hurt. I’ve become the fat chick….. and this post means something about the world we live in